Changed perspective

I had recovered seemingly from my time in ICU. It was May 2009. Surgeons had just repaired an aneurysm in my aortic arch, replaced my aortic valve, repaired my mitral valve and done a graft.

They had reopened my chest twice after the actual surgery due to excessive bleeding from a clot. A young doctor shared with me while I was still in intensive care that he had lain awake all night wondering what they could do for me.

It was good to be in a ward with real, recovering patients, and yet I was nervous. So much had gone wrong. I was not the normal patient. Should I be leaving intensive care this soon? My wife was concerned at the way I looked. One night on leaving, she asked the nurse to keep a special eye on me. The nurse gave what sounded like the stock reply, they would look after me, I was in very capable hands.

But it happened. At 3:30am I woke and had a feeling of tremendous weakness. I used my buzzer again and again till I had no more strength — the nurse finally came. They were low-staffed because of the weekend. She was surprised at my critically low blood pressure. I had an extremely low heart rate. But there was difficulty in receiving any assistance. There was only one night doctor rostered on to cover 3-4 wards. She assured me an ECG would be taken just before the doctors’ rounds in the morning.

When they finally came, I caused some pandemonium. My heart had almost come to a standstill. I was suffering from heart block. They rushed off for temporary pacing wires and pulled in a team who were rostered off, to install me with a pacemaker. By 2pm, the wires had become dysfunctional and the same team was called in a second time for repositioning. By this stage, I didn’t feel very “longsuffering,” and I’m sure neither did they.

A new song

A night or two before all this, I woke with so much water in my lungs, I began to experience what I can only imagine a “drowning man” must feel like. Anxiety had a field day. I didn’t want to “drown in my sleep.” Needless to say, I didn’t. Now, within only 48 hrs, I was experiencing my heart as having almost stopped, and no-one on hand to help.

I remember calling out to God with everything my soul could muster, “Lord, do You know how I feel?” Like a flash, His word came back, “Try me, think Calvary.”

Immediately, I saw Him in abject weakness — like I have never known — on the Cross, a heart broken and stilled because of man's sin, effectively drowning, suffocating, pushing up His nailed feet in excruciating pain to manage small pockets of air into His lungs, so as to utter words of beauty and peace my way:

Father forgive.
You shall be with me in paradise.
It is Finished!

Surely these are some of “the treasures of darkness” Isaiah alludes to (Isaiah 45:3). A new perspective was born.

I did not feel condemned; if anything, I was comforted. My greatest Friend was identifying with me in my sense of utter helplessness.

I am reminded of Hebrews 4:14. In the Authorised Version , we read that we have a High Priest Who is “touched with the feelings of our infirmities.”

One more thing I learned — Jesus is all we need when Jesus is all we have.

A bonus song

Every movie has its crisis scene or scenes when we are caused to wonder if the hero or heroine will survive their crisis. How will they get themselves out of this spot this time, we ask ourselves. Ah, but we haven’t yet seen the end of the movie. While a sword went through Mary’s heart as she beheld her Son on the Cross, the angel’s words remained as true as ever, “of His Kingdom there shall be no end” (Luke 1:33).

As long as our heart still beats, we will get through this crisis and our God will be true to His Word

I haven’t seen “my movie” yet. In my hardest moments in church life, I was visiting another church as a guest speaker. No one there knew the extent of my pain in pastoring at the time. I thought I was there to bless the listeners but as I looked on the wall I read the words, “I am the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. The First and the Last” (Revelation 22:13). I felt the Lord so close as He whispered words He has whispered again and again since, you will like the end, Wayne. We don’t need a personal sitting, an overview of our movie. As long as our heart still beats, we will get through this crisis and our God will be true to His Word, to perfect our faith, to bring it to full completion (Hebrews 12:2, Phillipians 1:6).

A further song

For now His promise remains: “He will not crush those who are weak or quench the smallest hope” (Isaiah 42:3, NLT). He will not break a bruised reed!

The reed has a hollow stem. Apparently, other stems can be mended but not the reed. It can snap in the wind, or by a small bird that simply lights upon it (Briscoe¹).

Jesus was bruised, but never broken. As with the head, so with the body. None of His bones were broken. I am one of His bones, part of His body. I cannot be broken. Sometimes, I may feel like a very bruised reed but I can never break.

¹ Jill Briscoe, One Year Book of Devotions.
Tyndale House Publishers Inc. 2000, p.147